“Neil, you have a good life and I don’t want to sadden you by my story so I am going, you’ll have to find it on your own,” she whispered to sleeping Neil and placed his head carefully on the pillow and disappeared into thin air. Neil woke up later that evening and held his head recalling what had happened before he was sleeping. He sat up and went out of the room as he really wanted to know Aditi’s mystery. He looked for her everywhere but couldn’t find her. He sat on the couch after giving up to find her.
He held his head thinking something. “If she has lived here her whole life before she died, so there must be some or the other clue about her here in this house, she didn’t die taking the clues along with her, her room would be the one where there will be clues.” He stood up and went to Aditi’s room and opened her cupboard and there were plenty of clothes inside, he moved the clothes to and fro to search for the clues about the reason for her suicide. He saw a jewelry box and opened it with key.
There were many cute earrings and necklaces, one was a pocket pendant, he opened it and there was a picture of Aditi with a man. “So Aditi was in an affair… Or who knows she can be in an abusive marriage as well.” She kept the jewelry box at a side and saw a small spiral diary. He took it and opened it to the first page. The name written inside was Avni Sharma. Her picture was stuck at a corner. “Oh, so her name is Avni Sharma and not Aditi Rathore.” He flipped to another page where there was a poem. It said:
If I show you my tear drops,
Would you collect them like rain
Store them in jars,
That are labeled with “pain”,
Would you follow their tracks
From my eyes down my cheeks
As they write all the stories,
I’m too scared to speak,
Would you stop them with kisses
Bring their flow to a halt
As you teach me that pain,
Isn’t always my fault,
Would you hold my face gently
As you dry both my eyes
And whisper the words,
“You’re too precious to cry”,
If I showed you my tear drops,
Would you show me your own?
And learn though we’re lonely,
We’re never alone.
Neil felt touched as he read the poem. “She said it right, she’s multi talented, she can touch people’s hearts by her words, and make them feel the same pain she feels.” He wiped a tear from his eye and flipped to the next page, there was one more poem. It said:
They announced it on a Monday,
In our school’s old sweaty hall,
That a boy that I had math with,
Wasn’t coming back at all,
I could hear the silent questions,
He was perfect, wasn’t he?
What demons was he fighting,
That we were all too blind to see?
I sat in Math that Monday,
Beside his now abandoned desk,
While our teacher warned us not to fail,
Our fast approaching test,
I remember he once whispered,
That he was envious of me,
My parents knew the work it took,
Just to get a simple ‘B’,
I wish I’d noticed earlier,
Or had the decency to ask,
Because his world must have been crumbling,
Behind his “perfect student” mask,
And I wonder if on that Sunday,
It was the last thought in his brain,
That the only A+ he could give,
Was the blood type in his veins.
Below the poem was his photo with a name below it “Ali”.
Neil was shocked as he read the suicide poem of Avni’s friend. She was very sad after she lost her friend who gave away his life for some reason. He flipped over to another page which had third poem titled as “Wounded”. It said:
A bruise is tender
but does not last,
it leaves me as
I always was.
But a wound I take
much more to heart,
for a scar will always
leave it’s mark.
And if you should ask me
which you are,
my answer is–
You’re a scar.
He got tears in his eyes as he got an idea by the poem that she was in an abusive relationship. He flipped over to another page, there was a poem titled as “Golden Cage.” It said:
A bird who hurt her wing,
now forgotten how to fly.
A song she used to sing,
but can’t remember why.
A breathe she caught and kept-
that left her in a sigh.
It hurts her so to love you,
But she won’t say goodbye.
Neil knew this poem was also by her. She had written it for her boyfriend/husband that she’s trapped in his love which is a cage to her yet it’s purely golden. He flipped over to another page which had a poem titled as “lost words”. It said:
A midnight scribble,
a morning sigh,
you watch the words,
curl up and die.
inside your head,
of poems lost,
and pages dead.
A mind possessed,
by unmade books,
on empty books.
Neil frowned. “Looks like she had a lot to say but no one was there to listen.” He flipped over to another page and there was a short poem which said:
I’ve been shook and I’ve been shoved,
Been told I’m not good enough to be loved,
Cried in corners, wished to die,
Believing I deserved it, and not sure why,
Back and forth, a hope for change,
Leads to more isolation and feeling deranged,
Then comes the day you push too far,
You are not in as much control as you think you are,
Through knowledge and wisdom, my courage grows,
Slowly breaking free right under your nose,
No more bruises, no more tears,
No more preying upon my fears,
For this I promise me, I will survive I will be free.
“She stayed as strong as she could, but everyone has a breaking point.” Neil felt sad on her sad reality and flipped to another page. It had a poem titled as “Dad”. It said:
I can’t tell you daddy,
How many tears I’ve cried,
Since the day I was told,
My precious dad had died.
It seems so impossible,
Although I know it’s true,
As everything I see around,
Reminds me of you.
I can still hear your laughter,
And see your smiling face,
I would have lost my sanity,
If not, for God’s saving grace.
I have to close this letter now,
But this is not goodbye,
For you will forever me with me,
In my heart and mind.
“Poor Avni, she lost her dad.” He wiped his eyes once again flipping to another page. It had a poem titled as “Never.” It said:
Never say I love you,
If you really don’t care,
Never talk about feelings,
If they aren’t really there,
Never hold my hand,
If you are gonna break my heart,
Never say you’re going to,
If you don’t plan to start,
Never look into my eyes,
If all you do is lie,
Never say hi,
If you really mean goodbye,
If you really mean forever,
Then say you will try,
Never say forever,
Because forever makes me cry.
Neil got deep in thoughts and flipped to another page. It had a poem named as Suicide Suicide part 1. It said:
Suicide, suicide wishing I were dead,
Suicide, suicide deep in my head,
Suicide, suicide cutting my wrists,
Suicide, suicide I’m so done with this.
2 days, 2 days let until I die,
2 days, 2 days till the last tear I’ll cry,
2 days, 2 days until I am all gone,
2 days, 2 days till the dark breaks the dawn.
Suicide, suicide deep inside my head,
Suicide, suicide now I’m almost dead,
Suicide, suicide turn out the light,
Suicide, suicide goodbye goodnight.
“Looks like the relationship she had was extremely abusive that she was having suicidal tendencies inside her and she was cutting herself, poor baby.” He shut his eyes tightly as more tears escaped his eyes and flipped to another page. It had a poem titled as “Rape.” It said:
R was my reaction,
I laid there very still,
My thoughts were simply nothing,
To him this was a drill.
A is for advantage,
That’s what he thought of me,
Or maybe even less, who knows,
How could I let this be.
P is for pathetic,
It’s how I feel inside,
Behind the pain and bruises too,
Is where I have to hide.
E is just for everything,
I let him take it all,
I couldn’t fight him off me,
Thanks to alcohol.
“What the f**k? How can he do this to her? Who is he? When I will get to know I will smash his face.” Her poem raised him to fury as he flipped to another page where there was the last poem titled as “Suicide Suicide part 2”. It said:
Your presence is near
I wish you were here
Take me away
Please make it today.
An answer for me
I need to escape, be free
I’ve had too much
Take me, do your touch.
Leave the rest behind
You’re all over my mind
Let me pass in relief
I need to release.
Neil palmed his eyes cryingly. He was grieving for whatever happened to Avni. He looked around in the cupboard for more clues and found a diary and a photo album. He decided to see the photo album first. As he opened it, few photos were of Avni’s marriage, but after those few photos, the photo he saw shocked him.